Here it is, in its entirety. Please read and post your congratulations to the newest Derosby couple, Keith and Elaine Derosby
I would like to congratulate Keith and Elaine Derosby on this wonderful day. As Keith’s brother and friend, I am honored to be speaking on his behalf. I thank you both for having the ceremony at the church. I have to check with my mom, but I think this means that was my mass for the week.
Elaine, you look amazing. I am sure your parents, family, and friends are all very proud of you. Keith, I always wondered what that giant nose on the Afrin commercials would look like in a tux, now I know.
After the wedding Keith will be moving down to LA, the city of lights, Lewiston Auburn. As Elaine always says when talking about Lewiston Auburn “It’s happening here”. I wonder how Little Canada will accept the olive skinned, camel riding, turban wearing Lebanese boy from Waterville. It seems like LA is slowly turning into the “Its’ a small world” ride at Disney. Just another group to add to the diverse mix of Lewiston Auburn.
I would also like to thank you for moving for another reason. Maquel and I have been looking to bring Sofie to an animal park like Yorks but since you seem to have one in your apartment now with all your pets, we will just bring her there. By any chance, do you have those pellet dispensers at your place so Sofie can feed your animals?
Elaine, I still remember how giddy Keith was when he first met you. Always giggling, laughing like a little schoolgirl. The first day we found out about you was when we went for a ride and every two minutes he was getting messages on his phone. He would go into a corner and whisper, not wanting us to find out. When I finally called him on it, he confessed that he met this girl named Elaine and she was updating him on the Phillies score. Of course I wanted to know more about this “Elaine”. What did she look like, what did she do for a living? I found out she was a special education teacher, perfect for dealing with Keith. She coached, which was good for Keith because maybe she could teach him how to…actually coach. He described her appearance, brown hair and eyes, short, very attractive. Now Keith has always been drawn to girls named Elaine. He liked Elaine Bennes on Seinfeld but his biggest crush has always been that sassy, radiant, funny, brownish/red haired beauty from Mr. Rogers, Lady Elaine Fairchild. I know for those of you who know who I am speaking of, yes she was a puppet. That is whole other issue Elaine will have to deal with. When we were younger, Keith and I were made to share a room. While I had a poster of Rachael Hunter from the SI Swimsuit Edition on my side of the room, Keith had a picture of Lady Elaine in a swimsuit on his. But knowing Keith’s forbidden passion for Lady Elaine Fairchild, I didn’t know what to expect when meeting Elaine.
Well, needless to say, Elaine is not a hand puppet, even though she is only a few inches taller than one.
But Keith was happy and even after two years, he still has that glow. I am very happy for the both of you and glad you found one another.
I thought, as newlyweds, you would want some advice from married couples in order to help yourselves out. I asked my wife and Craig for some advice.
1. Don’t’ go to bed angry. While this seems fairly obvious to most, this might be a challenge for Elaine at times. Keith sometimes likes to argue. He can argue about anything; sports, history, relationships, education, and politics. He will argue why a 45-year-old pitcher is worth a 3 year 15 million dollar contract. He will argue about history, saying the Germans won the D-Day invasion. He will argue about arguing, saying that you have a weak relationship if you don’t argue with your partner. Now does he believe all this? I hope not. But when he argues, he is the ultimate Devil’s Advocate. So Elaine here is how you handle it. Turn to him, look deeply and lovingly into his eyes, place your hands on top of his and say these words “Keith you are right”. Then get up and walk away. Will this solve anything? No, this actually gets him angrier but it is funny to see. If you are going to bed angry at least get the most out of it.
2. Don’t take each other for granted. You are both great people and have great qualities to offer one another. Through time, you will become friends, perhaps best friends. (not Bert and Ernie sort of best friends).
Don’t become complacent with one another and always appreciate each other for what you have to offer. Elaine is an extremely nice person with a great sense of humor. She not only loves Keith but also respects him immensely, so much so that Keith holds himself to her standard. On his bachelor party he was offered 75 dollars, the money that came from a poker game, if he were to take a few shots of Tequila. Now most of us would have done that. My wife would have wanted me to do that. I mean that could have paid a bill got a babysitter and went to dinner, maybe even get me a video game. But Keith said no, Elaine would respect him more if he didn’t do it and that she would want him to refuse it. Now Elaine, do you respect him more with or without the money?
Also make sure you go out of your way to make each other happy. Elaine will not hesitate to watch Keith’s piece of crap baseball team whenever they are on. And Keith will always, and I mean always, go to the movies to see anything she wants. He wants to impress Elaine so much so that he went to the theater to see Mama Mia. That was nice enough but he didn’t have to buy the DVD and the CD for his own car.
3. Discuss all major decisions before making them. This is an extremely important one in my opinion. As a new couple, you now both have to answer for any decisions you decide to make. It is always good to pass it by the other person to avoid any issues or arguments later on. If Elaine decides to trade in her car and get something a little more fuel efficient, then Keith should know about it. If Keith decides to buy a new video game, he should tell Elaine about it. This is a team effort and you can’t make decisions on your own like you used to. The reason I decided to use this piece of advice is because I see that they have already made a deal and it is something that Elaine knows won’t come to fruition. However Keith is in denial so I am going to clear this up. A few weeks ago, some of Keith’s friends and I helped him clear his apartment of some old furniture. I brought up the idea of bringing it all to the dump because Elaine wouldn’t want that disgusting stuff in her house. Keith shot down my idea and stated that yes she would, they agreed that it would be put in his “Man Town”. Needless to say there were a lot of rolled eyes as us married men glanced at each other.
Now for those who don’t know what a Man Town is, it is a room, or rooms, specifically to house the man’s objects of affection: video game machines, large flat-screen televisions, sports memorabilia, collectible figurines, books, and maybe a mini-fridge filled with his favorite cold beverage(Keith’s would be filled with either John Smith’s Extra Smooth or Schlitz) . A Man Room is basically a sanctuary for the man of the house. Sometimes there might even be a sign over the door that says “No Girls Allowed”. When the guys come over, Man Town is used to play poker, drink beer, pass gas, and watch the game. My man town was going to be a library, filled with all types of books, maybe one of those ladders so I could move from one side of the room to the other, picking the book that interested me at the time. In the corner would be my 60 inch flat screen HD TV and the PS3 connected to it. I would have an espresso machine, with Café Lattes ready at a moments notice. My wife would bring me a Guinness in a sexy French Maid’s outfit.
Keith, I am going to tell you something, which might come as a shock; Man Town does not exist, and Elaine knows this. Instead of these vast rooms filled with all kinds of neat and wonderful things, it is a basement, a small extra bedroom, or an area above the garage. We are hidden like dirty little secrets in areas the woman cares nothing about. Do you know what is in my man room besides my stuff? Disney movies and a card-making machine. Was that my dream? To be sharing Man Town with my two favorite ladies? I am soon going to move mine down to the family room downstairs in hopes of creating my utopia. But alas, I will be sharing it with the cat and her cat box. Jon Moody has a man town, in the basement, filled with boxes of stuff that shouldn’t be placed in there. Should Man Town be housing Christmas ornaments? Was this Jon’s dream? I think not.
Keith, when making major decisions, you need to read the fine print. Elaine agreed to this because she knows it won’t happen. Please make sure you don’t get sucked into traps like this in the future. As a former believer of a Man Town, I don’t want you to suffer the pain and anguish we all go through when we finally see that we were taken advantage of. It hurts here (head) and more importantly here (heart).
4. Learn to compromise: You must learn to compromise as this is a main component of a relationship. This is important because you both love baseball but will have to decide which team to watch, the Phils or the Sox. Keith and Elaine will both argue who has the better 2nd baseman, Dustin Pedroia or Chase Utley, who is the better closer Jon Papalbon or Brad Lidge, better 1-2 punch in Cliff Lee and Cole Hamels or Josh Beckett and Jon Lester. Don’t fight about this. You both have good teams. Reach that conclusion and you will be better off. Combined your teams have won 3 WS since 2004, 3 Pennants, 3 Eastern division titles, and 3 Wild Card berths. Since 2006, both teams have had 2 MVPs apiece, the Phils with Ryan Howard and Jimmy Rollins, the Sox with Manny and Pedroia. Both have had a ROY with Howard and Pedrioa. Now of course you both have steroid users that affected the playoffs and WS of 2004, 2007, and 2008. The Phils had a reliever named JC Romero who was suspended 50 games for abusing steroids. And of course we have Manny, Arroyo, and Ortiz. Compromise is key in a relationship so make sure you don’t’ sit there arguing about whose World Series title is tainted more; all three of them are.
In closing, I am again honored to be able to speak and give you some sound and needed advice. To all those here today, I am posting this speech on the website www.derosbybrothers.com. There you can not only read it but post comments, giving some honest opinions and advice to the newlyweds.
If you could please raise your glasses to toast the bride and groom.
Keith and Elaine, all that left to say is well done, congratulations and I really do wish you all the very best for your future together. To the bride and groom.
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